


To Be (Yours)

by Eunmih



Series: Counting (Your) Stars [1]
Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, M/M, Mutual Pining, One Shot, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-26
Updated: 2018-09-26
Packaged: 2019-07-17 11:59:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,745
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16095230
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eunmih/pseuds/Eunmih
Summary: Time doesn’t fix what doesn’t need to be fixed. And, almost predictably so, everything comes out at the most inopportune moment.It spills. The last drop into a full tank. And Hoseok mumbles, “I love you.”





	To Be (Yours)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [afteriam](https://archiveofourown.org/users/afteriam/gifts).



> Happy birthday to the biggest idiot in the world.

“Have you ever been in love?”

Kihyun looks up, face unreadable. He pokes the ice in his drink with his straw. “What?”

“In love,” Hoseok repeats. “Have you?”

“I don’t know,” Kihyun replies, straightening up, eyes quickly scanning the small coffee shop. The place is almost empty and there is no one in earshot. But even so, when he looks at Hoseok again, Kihyun’s voice sounds smaller, quieter, like he’s sharing a secret, “Once, maybe. I don’t know…” The corner of his lip twitches slightly and Hoseok smiles when Kihyun goes from lightly poking the ice in his drink to repeatedly stab it with the straw. He also looks like he is about to explode. “Once. Just once,” he admits.

“I see,” Hoseok looks down. “And?”

“And what?”

“How was it?”

Kihyun glares with such intensity Hoseok is surprised the ice doesn’t melt, “Worst experience of my fucking life. Never again.”

“That bad?”

“For various reasons,” Kihyun mumbles. Hoseok might know of some of those reasons. And he might or might not think they’re all ghosts inside Kihyun’s head. But maybe someday Kihyun will be able to get over himself. Maybe someday Kihyun will fall in love again.

And maybe someday, hopefully soon, Hoseok will find out what to do with his love. That never-ending feeling in his chest that seems to have a life of its own. That fills his eyes with unwanted tears. That makes him smile and laugh in the most inopportune moments. That makes breathing seem hard but at the same time makes stars explode behind his eyelids every time he closes his eyes. That makes him care, unconditionally so, no matter how many times he gets hurt. A bittersweet feeling that makes Hoseok feel tired, unmoving, stuck in time and sometimes wondering if it’s a curse or a blessing. Maybe both.

Most definitely both. It’s a blessing because it’s _him_. And a curse because love is selfish, petty and possessive, and no matter how happy Hoseok wishes _him_ to be, deep down Hoseok also wishes they could be happy together.

Hoseok thumbs his drink and smiles at the way his finger stains the cold glass. “How did you… Did you—I mean,” He sighs, still smiling. “How did you get over it?”

Kihyun pauses for a moment and seems to contemplate the question. “I don’t know. Maybe I didn’t. I don’t think it’s something people can simply just… _get over_. It’s always there, maybe just not in the form you expect it to be.”

“That is… actually the cleverest thing you’ve ever told me… wow!”

“Oh, shut up.”

“No, seriously!” Hoseok leans slightly over the table. He knows Kihyun doesn’t talk about his feelings much. And this? A fucking breakthrough! “You explained it so well, I can’t… seriously!”

Kihyun rolls his eyes, “I was just trying to be witty. Which is something you need, apparently.”

Hoseok blinks. “Wit?”

“That, too. But…” Kihyun looks up, “I get the feeling you’re trying to make up your mind about something and you need me to tell what you wanna hear with all the conviction I have, I don’t know… am I right?” He holds his hand up before Hoseok can reply. “Don’t bother. I know I’m right.”

Hoseok smirks, “Maybe you are.”

 

  
✩✩

 

  
The most important things are the hardest to see. Hoseok prides himself in his ability to read the atmosphere but, when it comes to Hyungwon, Hoseok feels like he’s trying to read a book upside-down in a completely different language.

Some things, Hoseok can easily pick up on because, with Hyungwon, shown sensitivity comes through acts rather than words. Like how Hyungwon’s eyes always look particularly wider whenever he’s anxious. How he, lowkey, tries to play the victim whenever he feels trapped in a stressful situation. Or how the pessimist in him comes out whenever he feels trapped in that inner state of independence that would otherwise enable significant progress both in his personal and professional life.

And Hoseok has seen all these knee-jerk reactions happen separately. He’s never seen them, however, happen all at the same time.

“Really? She said that?”

“Surprised?” Hyungwon asks, reading the nutritional values on the back of his orange juice and making a face, Hoseok would guess disgust, when he sees something he doesn’t like in the nutrient composition grid.

They’re sitting on a bench in the middle of the park right behind Hoseok’s faculty. The sun is shining through the leaves of old oak trees around them that branch out and kiss the ground like curly wood serpents, casting shadows on Hyungwon’s face.

“I mean,” Hyungwon shrugs one shoulder, “after everything we’ve been through, this type of behaviour doesn’t surprise me. I just wish I’d known it would turn out like this.” He pauses. “Maybe it’s my fault…”

Hoseok blinks. “Wait. What? What do you mean?”

“You know exactly what I mean.”

“I really don’t…?”

“Look, maybe she acts like this because I give her reasons to act like this… After all, the reason I got into this was simply because… it doesn’t matter why, honestly, what matters is that I’m tired.”

Hoseok searches Hyungwon’s face for something. He doesn’t know what he’s looking for but, whatever it is, it’s not there. “She’s your girlfriend, Hyungwon. She’s entitled to feel jealous if you’re not giving her attention, true. But the trick to jealousy is not in how you feel it but in how you act when you feel it.” He looks down at his crossed legs. “The way she reacted? That’s on her. It’s not your fault.”

Hyungwon finally looks up and catches Hoseok’s side glance. “Maybe,” he starts, “maybe you’re right.”

“What do you mean, _maybe?_ ” Hoseok raises an eyebrow and Hyungwon rolls his eyes finally, fucking finally, showing a smile.

“Now you sound like this guy I know, cocky little shit.”

“Sometimes, sounding cocky is not entirely bad, you know.”

Hyungwon shrugs one shoulder, “His self-confidence is sexy, I’ll give him that. But also annoying when you’re trying to shove a pretty well-structured argument down his throat and he still acts like he’s right.”

“Hm.”

“I feel sorry for his future wife.”

“I feel sorry for _your_ future wife.”

Hyungwon laughs, “What wife. I can barely keep my girlfriend sane…”

“You really need to fix that, you know?”

“I know.”

“Do you love her?”

Hyungwon’s eyes widen slightly and he locks them somewhere on Hoseok’s face. “Love her? What. No. Not really,” he looks down. “No…”

Hoseok smiles small. “But will you fix it?” He hopes Hyungwon fixes it, for Hoseok’s own sake. Because there is a selfish voice inside his head and Hoseok can't wait to shut it up.

“Maybe. Look, I’ll try.”

“Good.”

Hyungwon looks away and scoffs to the side. “Sorry. Lately this is all we talk about.” He looks back at Hoseok. “I never ask you how you’re doing…”

Does it hurt? A little? No. A lot. But is it worth it? Yes. Definitely.

“Well,” Hoseok smiles wide, “I’m fine. Thank you for asking.”

“Any good tea worth sharing?”

“ _Hmmmmmm_ , now that you mention it…”

 

  
✩✩

 

  
Hoseok groans and lets his face fall flat on his keyboard like _skjfksjebkwjbrgkjwb_. Hyunwoo looks up at that, lips puckered, eyebrow slowly climbing on his forehead.

“They broke up…” Hoseok whines. He feels like crying. He’s feeling whiplash. He’s feeling whiplash in the middle of the library.

“They?” Hyunwoo asks.

“Hyungwon… he broke up with his girlfriend… Asshole. He told me he was going to fix it!”

Hyunwoo leans back on his chair. “I’m sorry. I can’t tell if you’re happy or sad about this…”

“Yeah, that’s the problem… I am relieved and terrified at the same time… I’m disgusting.” And at that, Hoseok feels something ice cold press against his neck. He yelps and turns around in a jump.

Kihyun looks down at him, iced coffee in hand. “Say that one more time… and I’ll drop this on you.” He twirls the plastic cup in his hand. “It cost me money, so you better shut your mouth.”

Hoseok palms at the back of his neck. “Why are you being mean to me?” He pouts.

“Because I’m always mean to you and because I’m the only one allowed to tell you how disgusting you are.”

 

  
✩✩

 

  
The problem is, Hoseok thinks, he’s unafraid to leave bits of his heart in other people’s hands. So, obviously, he gets hurt about as often as he expects.

He rolls to his side, phone in hand, and stares at the screen. It’s been two months. Two months of wondering. Two months of silence. Two months of feeling everything and nothing at the same time.

 

\--

 **Me:**  
I saw your Instagram stories  
Where are you  
That place looks pretty af

 **Hyungwon:**  
Don’t ask  
I have no idea  
I don’t think my parents know either

  
**Me:**  
Beautiful haha

  
**Hyungwon:**  
I’m so tired  
We’re supposed to be resting right?  
Yet uni starts in three weeks and  
And I feel more tired rn than during exam season

\--

  
Hoseok bites at his lower lip. He types something and lets his thumb hover over the send arrow. Should he? Maybe. It’s a normal thing to say, even if he feels like those words might give him away.

He clicks send.

 

\--

 **Me:**  
Miss you

  
\--

 

Hoseok sees the tiny check come up right next to his text. But the answer doesn’t come. Not until a few minutes later.

 

\--

 **Hyungwon:**  
Me too  
We should meet  
Before school starts again

  
\--

 

Hoseok knows he won’t be able to work out the tangled mess of knots in his chest, the feeling never quite subsiding, getting only worse as time passes.

 

\--

 **Me:**  
Definetely!

  
**Hyungwon:**  
It’s not just lunch though  
I want  
Need  
A whole day of Wonho

  
**Me:**  
Wah hahaha  
I’m so happy

  
**Hyungwon:**  
Good  
Gtg

  
**Me:**  
Byyyyye

  
\--

 

“I love you,” Hoseok tells the darkness of the bedroom.

 

  
✩✩

 

  
Okay. Okay. Hoseok’s heart jumps up in his chest when he thinks of what he wants to say today, and he swallows again. Okay.

 _Now_.

“I have something to tell you.”

“Hm?” Hyungwon stuffs a whole piece of cake in his mouth as he looks up, all innocent looking, and Hoseok smiles.

“Swallow first.” And Hyungwon does. “Well… I—” He can’t. He can’t do it. But he must. For his own sake. He must— “You tanned!”

Hyungwon blinks. “I did?” He looks at his naked forearm. “I did?” He repeats.

Hoseok reaches out, relieved and somehow still heavy with anxiety, and lifts the edge of Hyungwon’s sleeve, “Look!”

“Oh!” Hyungwon snorts. “I did.”

“Cute,” Hoseok says and Hyungwon tilts his head to purposely look cute.

 

  
✩✩

 

  
Maybe he needs to let a couple years water down how he feels about Hyungwon. Maybe with time it will get better. That’s what Hoseok has been telling himself for the past 3 years, hoping, deep down, time will fix things for him.

If only every single word would stop building up to this feeling every time they talk. If only Hoseok didn’t have to convince himself he doesn’t want it… If only…

_If only._

If only he could accept someone else’s confession for what it is, instead of feeling like he’s betraying the feelings inside him.

_If only._

 

  
✩✩

 

  
Hyungwon squeezes Hoseok’s bicep. “I swear… It’s bigger,” he says with another squeeze.

Hoseok rolls his eyes. “No, it’s not. I haven’t been to the gym in three weeks.”

“So? You dance. That shit builds muscle, too.”

Hoseok flexes his arm on purpose and smiles when Hyungwon tilts his head. “What.”

“Sometimes I don’t know if I want to date you or be you… you know?”

What? Hoseok’s heart seems to stop beating, just for a second.

Come again?

“No,” Hoseok’s mouth says for him, “I am not familiar with the feeling.”

 

  
✩✩

 

  
“Hey,” Hyungwon says on a rainy day. “Do you…” He trails off when Hoseok looks up and they just stare at each other. Hyungwon doesn’t budge one bit, but he doesn’t finish.

“Do I…?”

“I forgot.”

“No, you didn’t,” Hoseok snorts.

Hyungwon sighs and looks away. And Hoseok almost, almost, flinches when Hyungwon slides down a little and leans his head on Hoseok’s shoulder. Suddenly, that empty bus stop seems a little too crowded. And Hoseok feels it, that familiar feeling:

His heart breaking, _again_.

 

  
✩✩

 

  
It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. But, slowly, Hoseok gets used to hurting.

 

\--

 **Hyungwon:**  
Want tea

  
**Me:**  
Alwaaaays

  
**Hyungwon:**  
Two of my best friends are whipped for each other  
It’s painful to watch  
They try to make each other jealous  
And then bicker for hours and hours  
I’ve never been so thankful for Changkyun

  
**Me:**  
So  
Minhyuk and Jooheon?

  
**Hyungwon:**  
Yes  
Save me  
They’re at it again in the group chat

  
**Me:**  
But wait  
If they like each other why don’t they just…

  
**Hyungwon:**  
I DON’T KNOW  
WONHO  
I AM SO TIRED

  
**Me:**  
Wow haha caps lock  
Ok what do you need

  
**Hyungwon:**  
Cuddles and love

  
**Me:**  
I can give you that if you want

  
**Hyungwon:**  
Hm  
Hmmmmm  
Get your ass over here

  
**Me:**  
I’ve never seen you like this haha

  
**Hyungwon:**  
Are you coming or not

  
**Me:**  
Going!!  
Wait  
Where are you

  
**Hyungwon:**  
Dorms

  
**Me:**  
Omw

  
\--

 

Sometimes, happiness hurts, too.

 

  
✩✩

 

  
Time doesn’t fix what doesn’t need to be fixed. And, almost predictably so, everything comes out at the most inopportune moment.

“Sorry,” Hyungwon says as he pockets his phone. “What were you going to tell me?”

I love you. I love you. There was never time I didn’t love you. Only a time that I didn’t know I loved you. And maybe, I think, I will love you forever. Because even when all we have left are memories, I will love those, too.

“Wonho?”

Hoseok feels himself frown, his eyes burn and the corners of his lips dip down in an involuntary reflex. He quickly looks down. In shame? In horror? Because, no, no, no, no. Not now. Not right now. Everything was fine. Everything is fine.

“Hey, what—Wonho?” Hyungwon touches Hoseok’s shoulder. “What. What’s wrong?” He appears to look around, putting himself between Hoseok and the passers-by on the sidewalk.

It’s cold outside. So cold. So cold.

“It’s, it’s nothing,” Hoseok mutters between hiccups.

“Oh, god. You overgrown baby. It’s not nothing. Hey,” Hyungwon holds Hoseok’s face between his hands and Hoseok falls in love even more. “Look at me,” and Hoseok does. “Ok, now tell me… what’s wrong?”

“I don’t—It’s nothing.”

“Hm,” Hyungwon ponders, “alright, come on.” He pulls Hoseok into a hug. “Don’t cry.”

And then, it spills. The last drop into a full tank. And Hoseok mumbles, “I love you.”

“What.” Hyungwon doesn’t try to pull away and for that Hoseok is grateful.

“You could break my heart in two, but when it heals… it heals for you,” it’s almost a whisper. A secret.

“Hoseok…”

“We never get it right. We just… Keep circling around it like vultures…” His voice cracks. “And I know. I know. I _know_. This isn’t what it could be. And I know I’ll regret it if I don’t say it.”

Hyungwon pulls away then. He looks unreadable, but something in his face seems soft at the edges. “Then say it…”

“I love you.”

Hyungwon smiles and Hoseok knows then there’s no way he’s getting over this. Over _him_.

There’s a pause. Some people pass them by, glancing at Hoseok who is doing the utmost effort to calm down. And then, they’re alone.

A lot goes into that first kiss. That time, during their first year, when they bumped into each other and Hoseok spilled Hyungwon’s coffee. Their first date, a little awkward but memorable. The first time Hoseok confessed but spoke in past tense all the time. The second time Hoseok _almost_ confessed but quickly remembered he wasn’t allowed to, not anymore. The flowers Hoseok bought at the market, that day, two years ago, for Hyungwon’s mother. That time Hyungwon cut himself in Hoseok’s kitchen, trying to cook something and miserably failing. Those well-spent months under the sunlight. The first time Hyungwon complimented Hoseok. Hyungwon. Hyungwon. Hyungwon. Everything is filled with Hyungwon and feelings as old as Hoseok himself.

“I love you,” Hoseok says when Hyungwon pulls away just enough to look at him.

And Hyungwon does that thing Hoseok loves: he shows him rather than tells him exactly how he feels. And the second kiss is a little more desperate, they miss something they didn’t know they had.

“I love you, too,” Hyungwon says later, after the sky turns pink.

**Author's Note:**

> Excuse me. Hiding under a rock now. Bye. I am gone. I am the wind and the dust.


End file.
